just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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