My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
