sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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