I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
