I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
