I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
