He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
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You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Couch. On fire.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize