WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
