i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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