I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
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He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
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Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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