This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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