Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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