I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
