oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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