Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
