I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
