I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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