omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
