I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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