His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
