Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
