I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Enjoy the penises
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
