I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
