some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
