Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im holly from the hills drunk
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
