Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
