Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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