Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
