I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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