Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
