I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
