Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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