I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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