New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
