i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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