Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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