is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
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I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
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Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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