ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
