My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
