sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
