Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
