Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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