Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
