so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Of course I have a pirate flag
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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