My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
