I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
