My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
