today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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