U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
