I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
