Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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