you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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