She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
