Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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