for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
