I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
