When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
