The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
