$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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