I want to make a zoo with you.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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