I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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