I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My dick has a subreddit
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
