Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
